I walked by the sealed letter tens of times without giving it thought, and though the table was bare except for the letter, most times I didn’t notice it. Admittedly there was a pinch of fear inside me, along with a dash of curiosity, but for the most part the contents of the letter held little intrigue. The letter was a link to a year that wasn’t so great so excuse me for not being in a hurry to relive that place in time, then accelerate to 88mph and go back to the future.

After putting my dishes in the sink post-dinner one night then filling my red tumbler with ice and water, as I passed the table my left hand swooped out and scooped up the envelope. Before my brain could ask “Why’d you do that?” the envelope was in my hand demanding to be opened. I couldn’t come up with a reason why now wasn’t a good time to open it. Now was the time. As I sat in my writing chair, my hands began opening the envelope without any thought. I guess part of me really did want to know what was inside.

Upon opening and seeing it was written in black Sharpie similar to the writing on the outside, I discovered quickly this wasn’t a letter at all. It was more of list, with scattered, barely legible questions written on the bottom. My hopes (and fears) of the envelope containing an honest and potentially gut wrenching letter to myself were replaced by the question “Is this it?” Yes indeed, this was it.

From the summer of 2014 until my move up to Montana in May of 2015 (I currently live in Idaho) I wrote a lot. Tons. Vast spiral notebook pages of words (Unfortunately almost the words were not for my novel, otherwise I could’ve completed five books) on my then job, love life, hopes, wishes, regrets, dreams, and other ramblings. Daily scribble about what was going on in my then unsatisfying life, most of it either not decidedly not-positive or the opposite– uber-positive to get me out of my funk at the time. Why in a time when I was writing so much did I write so little for my future self I don’t know.

As a writer/storyteller I’m not supposed to do this-tell you the contents of the letter are underwhelming. Then again, as a writer/storyteller it’s my job to make these underwhelming contents as interesting as possible. Not the easiest of tasks but that’s the price to be paid for writing Part One before ever opening the envelope.

Looking back on it, I’m pretty sure the letter was written in January of 2015. A few details (which I’ll get into) lead me to that conclusion.

As you can probably tell in the photo, the list goes as follows-

Dog-King?

I’ve wanted a dog for a quite a while but refuse to get one until I can be in the circumstances that are best suited for keeping a dog. I’m not, so I don’t have one. For a long time I wanted a German Shepherd and name him “King” but in the time since I’ve made this list, I’ve wavered. It now feels like that plan was overcompensating. Like a Porsche or a dating a Hooters waitress. Now I’m thinking some kind of Shepherd or Retriever mix from a rescue or pound. Or maybe the dog will pick me. And I’ve changed the name to “Red.”

Someone to share holidays with

I guess this could sound either sad or cute but for me right now it sounds sad. Like a lonely child writing “Mommy and Daddy to get back together” on their secret Christmas wish list. I picture a giant Santa Claus having me on his lap and after he asked what not-so-little Robbie Black wants for Christmas I meekly say “Someone to share the holidays with…”  Santa laughs and says “I can’t work miracles sonny, how about an Tickle Me Elmo?” Don’t get me wrong, I do want this, but it feels awkward seeing it on a list. Elmo will have to do for now.

Be in sales or close to moving to sales

This is why I believe this “letter” was written in January of 2015. I had just started a new job and the possibility of an eventual move to sales in the company seemed like a great career move. It soon became apparent I had no interest in living the life or working the hours of the sales staff. So far this list is both underwhelming and lacking in imagination. I’m kind of disappointed in myself. Aim high 2015 Rob Black!

Spend time with family

At the time I wrote this it had been a few years since seeing members of my immediate family. Thankfully that’s changed. Something on the list came true!!!

Presents for friends

I have no idea what this means and in all honesty my friendship is the best present any of my friends could ever receive. Presents for friends? Most confusing and odd aspiration ever written?

HUGE XMAS TREE!

Strangely enough, neither obtaining a furry best friend nor special someone to snuggle with nor a major career move rise high enough in level of importance but getting a Douglas fir and decorating it with lights rates ALL CAPS and an exclamation point. What can I say, I like Christmas trees.

Best shape of life!

I can only guess that the realistic part of me said “Hey look, you keep putting this on every damn list and it never happens so can we drop the charade?”and struck a line through this. I was in pretty decent shape at the time I wrote the list so maybe I thought “Meh, this is good enough.”

 

Again, I had very low expectations for the year- a dog and a tree. At the bottom of the letter were a bunch of random questions I had written for myself. Some of them are a little personal but I’d like to think this blog will always be honest so in for a dollar, in for a pound. However, in the interest of time and space, I’m going to go speed round on the answers.

How was your year Rob? Okay. Interesting. Lots of changes. Not too keen on this third person thing…..Rob.

Rachel?  No  (In the end scene from my favorite movie of all time, Jaws, Hooper reappears from underwater after Brodie has killed the shark. He asks Brodie “Quint?” to which Brodie slightly shakes his head and says “No.” That’s how this question should read. January 2015 Rob asks “Rachel?” and present day Rob answers like Brodie. Rachel didn’t get dragged away in the mouth of a twenty five-foot Great White a la Quint, but my hopes for a second chance did).

Did you make changes? Yes, but there’s still work to be done.

Moto (motorcycle)? Sort of.

Are you a better person? That’s a toughie. Better? I’m probably the same person morality-wise but I’m definitely in a better place.

How do you look in the mirror? (These are tough questions Jan 2015 Rob) Not as good as I did in January 2015 sad to say. But I’m working on it.

Did you go for it? No. Maybe. Not sure what “it” refers to. I don’t like this question.

Book? No.

Story? Huh? What story? I think I was just filling space at this point.

Are you happy?  Hmmmm. I’ve never liked the word “happy” in reference to one’s long term state of being. It’s unrealistic. North Texas ever being good at football would make me happy. Cheesecake makes me happy. Beers with friends makes me happy. I prefer content. Or satisfied. I’m a hundred times more content than I was when I wrote this letter but I’m not satisfied. There’s a place in life I want to get to but I’m not there yet.

The end.

Or maybe the beginning. I think I might do this every year.

(Grabbing an envelope and Sharpie)

JULY 2017