The Higgins Boat bounces in the choppy waters as the camera widens to show nervous faces of young American uniformed men under a graying sky and steady spray of frigid English Channel water. The call of “Thirty seconds!” echoes around the boat. A soldier vomits his morning C ration while another rubs his thumb along the damp wooden stock of his M1 rifle. The first round zips overhead as final orders are barked punctuated by a hopeful “I’ll see you on the beach”. A whistle blows. The door of the landing craft lowers…..

There isn’t a man (or woman?) among us who has watched the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan and wondered how they would handle the situation facing the young men in the boat. Men of all types share this “in the moment” imagination and we also share how we put ourselves in the most positive of light in these situations. Rarely do we fail. Rarely do we let down those around us.

While the prospect of encountering a bear while hiking is remote the thought of my options if an encounter occurs occupies much of my time on hikes. Way too much. How would I handle myself in the moment? During my thought process some seem practical, others feel possible and others are ridiculous. Initially I put myself in the most positive of light- I can handle this. These are strategies I can use. However the more I think about these the more I realize almost all are worthless. We’re talking about a 400-600 pound pissed off bear. The bear almost always wins.

In no particular order, here are my Seven Ridiculous and Improbable Strategies I’ve Conceived to Fight Off a Bear-

1. Don’t bring a knife to a bearfight.

Look, we all would like to think we can be brave in the face of grave danger (“Is there another kind?”)  and nothing is braver than standing up to a bear. I carry a small knife (a very small knife) while hiking and my first thought was to stab the bear somewhere where the bear would be stunned or too pained to continue the fight. The eyes? Nose? Neck? I’m sure if I could get a knife into one of those areas the bear wouldn’t like it very much. Enough to stop the attack? The reality of this strategy is if I got close enough to stab a bear by the time I attempted to stab him my intestines would be in a neat pile next to my bloody shredded remains. Maybe if I carried a sword…..

2. Kick the bear in the man region. Laugh, but there is a precedent. Seriously, if you want to laugh, clink the link. Until this video I didn’t know bears practiced the martial arts. Much less the Ali Shuffle.

3. The peek-a-boo defense.

While goofy in name and insane in practicality this is one of the strategies that could conceivably occur although ultimately fail. Demonstrated here by man’s best friend it is possible if chased by a bear to hide behind a tree. The bear would have to choose which way to go around the tree and then I could go the other way. The bear might stop to look the other way thereby playing the most absurd game of peek-a-boo ever. Milliseconds later however the bear would clothesline me with his enormous paw and pissed off I made him play peak-a-boo, rip the skin from my bones and use me as a trophy rug for his bear cave.

4. Climb a tree.

A friend of mine’s brother was tree’d by a bear. He was lucky, it’s not as easy to pull off as it seems. You have to beat the bear to a tree. The other problem is black bears can climb trees. Or ladders in this case. During my hike along Spanish Creek I looked around to see how practical is this defense. Not very. Too many trees don’t have climbable limbs until above 10 feet and others aren’t climbable at all. About one out of every 25 tree is perfect enough to provide an escape. Those are bad odds when a grizzle is barreling down on you at 30 mph.

5. Punch the bear in the face. 

No way right? Well, this guy did it. This has a one in gazillion chance of working but if it did…..Best. Story. Ever.

6. Pull a Barry Sanders on the bear. 

In my early twenties I played tackle-football at a park every Saturday. One day I caught a pass in the flat and juked the first guy out of his jock before breaking away down the sideline. A guy had the angle on me but before he could cut me off I cut back towards the middle of the field. When he turned his back to me to head back to the middle of the field, I slashed back towards the sideline, put on the jets, and raced towards glory, leaving the defender to wonder what had happened. Is this possible? Pull a spin move on a Grizzly? Especially in my forties? No. But I’d love to see Barry Sanders in his prime against a bear.

7. Use a natural weapon. 

Along the trails there are many objects than can be used as weapons. Sticks and rocks line most trails but recently I heard a story about a hunter shooting an attacking bear in the face and still getting mauled. The hunter wasn’t killed but if a shotgun blast won’t stop a bear, I doubt a twig will. A rock would be like throwing a marble at person.

One of the strangest and weirdest outcomes of a bear attack was a hiker killed by a bear and park rangers looking for the hiker after he was reported missing. They found the bear SITTING on top of the hiker’s remains after partially consuming the hiker’s body. I think this is my worst fear. Not only getting attacked and eaten….but the bear then sitting on my remains. I think this is what happens when you piss off a bear before an attack.

Honorable mentions- Give the bear a Noogie, The Eye Poke (unless the bear knows the Curly eye block)

Of course the best strategy is to remain calm, avoid eye contact, back away slowly, use your bear spray if the bear charges, and play dead if the bear does attack. Boring, but effective.

Next week- My hike into bear territory at Yellowstone National Park