When the temperature doesn’t rise above freezing for a week, you spend most of your time on indoor activities. Reading, writing, and plenty of thinking can be time well spent when it’s -2 outside. While in thinking mode I wondered what nineteen year old Robert Black would think of himself today. Besides being aghast at using the name “Bucklin” in a public forum, he’d have quite a few other issues as well.

Reminiscing about ones youth can be tricky. It can go either way. You can remember it as the best of times or the worst of times but rarely is there a balance of both so before I had nineteen year-old me start the questions I took some time to get it right about who I was back then.

Nineteen year old me was a Lance Corporal in the Marine Corps stationed at El Toro in Orange County, CA. My MOS (Military Occupation Specialty) was Aircraft Firefighting and Rescueman, in layman’s terms I was an Firefighter on a Marine air field. Better than humping a pack but not the Air Traffic Control position I signed up for.

Being a boot (a new guy) in the Marines isn’t easy and it was tough to find my way. El Toro had some salty veterans to learn from and be harassed by and it’s tough enough to find your way as a nineteen year-old in the best of circumstance. In a “you had to be there to understand” way, El Toro was not the best of circumstances. Luckily I had some good fellow young Marines to share the experience with.

Off duty I had no such issues. On my time off I surfed the cool tasty waves from San Onofre to Huntington Beach during the day and did all things music at night. Whether that was perusing the local record stores, going to the plethora of punk/metal shows in the LA area, or listening to music in my barracks room, music was on top of the priorities totem pole. As confused as I was about my status as a young Marine I was equally confident in what I liked to do in my off time. I had little to no responsibilities as a Lance Corporal so my life consisted of following orders and surfing/rocking out as much as possible.

Like most nineteen year-olds I thought I had it figured out. I was idealistic in a naive yet sincere way. I didn’t like money; the wealth and attitude of the OC area both bothered me and fed my punk rock ethos. I was independent to the point of not willing to accept any advice. I was outwardly shy but inwardly confident. My mentality was “leave me alone, I’ll figure it out.” Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn’t but I stuck to what made me me.

Who knows how rare a bird I was but I sure felt alone in this facet- I was a virgin and believed in love over sex, a train of thought colliding head on with the Marine Corps style (I made the mistake of mentioning the word “love” to my older roommate and he responded with “Love!? There’s no LOVE in the Marine Corp!!”) of getting laid and moving on. I kept my status to myself, no matter how confident one can be, I knew there would be an endless onslaught of jokes and peer pressure if I told anyone but I felt true to that ideal and it was important to me (If you’re curious that ideal lasted about another year before succumbing to a pretty, petite blond in a Newport Beach hotel but that’s another blog post).

In short, the idealistic, surf-riding, punk-loving, no compromising version of myself, while shy wouldn’t have beaten around the bush while questioning the today me. Things were pretty black and white then and he got to the point. As you’ll read, a trait I wish I could say I still have today.

 

19RB- (Wearing a TSOL t-shirt and board shorts) You still surf?

Today- Um……no. I don’t live near the water anymore and the only time I have to surf is on the weekends and it’s too crowded. Plus after living in Texas for so long  it’s hard to start over. I miss it but it’s a lot of effort to get in the water. If I’m lucky I’m in the water once every six months but it’s not a daily part of my life.

19RB- Jesus, is that I how answer questions when I’m old?

Today- I’m not THAT old and yes, it’s a bad habit I have. I once took ten minutes to answer if I like the Rolling Stones.

19RB- You listen to punk?

Today-  A little, not as much anymore.

19RB- WHAT!? What do you listen to?

Today- Music isn’t as big  of a part of my life as it was back then. I listen to some jazz, a lot of Denton music of all genres, some old metal/punk, a few singer-songwriters, audio books, and some podcasts.

19RB- (Head falls to chest) Should I just kill myself now?

Today- And I drink coffee.

19RB- COFFEE?! Coffee is a crutch for the weak! COFFEE and JAZZ? What did you do to me?

Today- And wine.

19RB- Who drinks wine? Jesus Christ, you suck…what happened….ok then, how’s your Bball game?

Today- I don’t play anymore. Haven’t in over twenty years. Two knee surgeries ended my basketball career. I miss it though. I was pretty good.

19RB- What do you do for exercise? Please tell me you don’t ride a bicycle for exercise?

Today- No, I still hate riding a bike. I hike.

19RB- You mean you wander around the woods and look at the trees?

Today- It’s a little more than that. Jesus, I just realized how many of the things I do now I used to make fun of.

19RB- Dude. You’re a non-surfing, coffee and wine drinking, wandering through the woods while listening to jazz weirdo. And a beard too? What am I a hippie? 

Today- No, you’re not a hippie. Times are different. Things change…..hard to explain. Beards are kinda hip, although that’s not why I have/had one.

19RB- You still triumph love over sex right?

Today- No. I mean, I believe in the idea of love but it’s more complicated these days. Sex is easy and love is hard. You get older and there’s baggage you carry around. You don’t want to, but you do. It’s…..complicated.

19RB- What’d you do to me? I don’t care if times change, you weren’t supposed to change. You had core principles that made you who you were. Surfing. Music. Love. Being true to yourself. Not growing up to be your parents. Being passionate about life. That was the whole point. That no matter what happened, no matter how bad it got (I’m a punk rock virgin in the Marines for Christ sake, that’s no picnic),  I/you would always have these core things to lean on. And now you tell me you have none of them?! None? What happened? What the fuck dude?

Today- Good question. I guess the short answer is I don’t know. Or know and don’t want to admit it. People evolve and change but you’re right, you should always have principles to lean on and guide you and I’m not sure what mine are these days. Something I’m trying to change. Something I’m going to change. And by the way, it’s just “WTF” these days.

19RB- I’m out. You’re bumming me dude, I got waves to catch. 

 

Losing one’s way as you get older is a subtle as the sun crossing the sky. If you look at it in the moment, nothing seems to be changing. Look down for a while and when you look up the sun has moved. Or worse, disappeared.

It’s not about punk music. Or surfing. But it is about having ideals that you stick to, especially when they can be hard to stick to. Anchors that no storm can uproot.  Especially during the tough times. Time to drop those anchors.

Sorry nineteen year-old me, I’m keeping the coffee. But it might be time to get wet more in the Pacific when I get back. Get back to enjoying music. Get back to looking for love. It’s easy to believe excuses are reasons when in fact, they are just excuses. There’s no excuse for me losing my way. It really isn’t complicated. But it’s easy to say it is.